from “The Diva Chronicles”
satire by Veronica Williams
Smooches all! I would like to introduce myself. I am Adeeva Speeks, Board Certified Divatologist, specializing in all things Diva. I would like to present an excerpt from the pages of "The Diva Chronicles". It’s Spring! The air is crisp and warm and the flowers are blooming. We are shedding those turtlenecks and wool pants for mini skirts and cute little tops that show off all the exercise we did all winter. As a Board Certified Divatologist, I felt the need to put out a spring time warning for those Divas in training. Please read carefully ladies. Trust me, I am certified and able to write prescriptions. They can be filled at any upscale mall near you. Remember, a pretty woman turns the heads of teenage guys. A beautiful woman turns the heads of men. A gorgeous woman turns the heads of other women. Beauty is definitely in the eyes of the beholder. However, you looking in the mirror before you go out, does not count. Please get a second opinion or contact your nearest Divatologist for some help. So, meet me at the mall ladies. You can find me in the shoe section of Neiman Marcus drooling over a pair of Gucci shoes. Smooches.
Painfully Glamorous: The Agony of De Feet
Being a Diva is hard work. Yeah, I may look fabulous, but believe me it wasn’t easy. Where does glamour end and torture begin? You won’t believe the things we do to ourselves to look this gorgeous. We snatch the hair from our faces, underarms and Ouch! our bikini lines. We put on undergarments that squeeze us to the point of needing oxygen to breathe. We buy dresses two sizes too small just because they’re on sale. Then we starve ourselves for weeks to wear that dress one time and bury it in the back of the closet. Cause a Diva wouldn’t be caught dead in the same dress twice. Hello! And the coup de grace, high heel shoes. How can something so beautiful, so expensive, and so able to make my legs look like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine, be so painful? After laying down $350 for a pair of high heel Gucci shoes, shouldn’t I be walking on clouds? You would think a designer shoe would be more comfortable. Yet the more money you spend, the more you can expect your feet to hurt. Unlike the previously mentioned methods of modern day torture, wearing high heel for a long period of time can cause painful and sometimes permanent damage to your feet, legs, and even your back.
Alexander Reyzelman D.P.M., chair of the department of podiatric medicine at California School of Podiatric Medicine says, "High heels tip the foot forward, placing too much pressure on your toes, arches, and the balls of the feet. This unnatural pose puts you at risk of toe deformities, nerve damage, even lower back problems” (Crain 158). So, you better think twice before you buy that shoe. If you are like me, then you will buy that shoe that’s a whole size smaller than your actual size, just because it looks perfect with your new outfit and don’t forget that it’s on sale and you have a coupon. Be careful Divas in training. Corns and bunions are not a part of this year’s spring fashion line up. I don’t care how fierce your outfit is with that open-toe sandal. That corn on your toe just turned that outfit into a burlap potato sack.
Who cares about pain? Who cares about calluses and bunions? I’ll throw a toe ring on that corn and get my tip on. Honey, the Christian Dior sandals with the stiletto heel are mine. At nearly $400 a pair you would think they would come with a year long pass to a local foot spa, because they sure don’t come with padding. Whoever designs these shoes couldn’t have worn them, and if they did, they didn’t walk through the mall with them on.
A true Diva must always be
on her toes. So slide in and strap up ladies, cause
flats are not where it’s at. If you want to be a Diva you’ve got to
handle the pain. You must understand. A secret service agent will
throw himself in front of the President to catch a bullet. A Kamikaze
pilot crashed his plane into the enemy ship for his country and to die with
honor. A Diva must Sashay Shante’ in that size
7 ½ Manolo Blahnik (even
though she wears a 8 ½) even if it kills her.
She’ll be drop dead gorgeous, and that’s all that matters in a Diva’s world.
Crain, Esther. "Party-Girl Pointer." Cosmopolitan Nov., 2003: 158 http://www.proquest.com/